Two high school mates meet up on the street unexpectedly after not seeing each other for 15 years.  Sam recognizes Arthur as they are coming out of a popular upscale restaurant during the lunch hour.  “Art – Artie!, Hey, it’s me Sam.  How have you been, where did you go after high school, what do you do?”  Artie looks around nervously, and ushers his old friend Sam into a waiting limo.  “Sam, good to see you!  I’m actually here on business, meeting a client, making deals.  You look good, how have you been?”  “Ah, I’m good.  Got a great job after college, married that girl I dated all through high school, you know – life’s good.”  “Hmmm… Sam, that didn’t sound so convincing.  What’s really going on?”  “Well Artie, things are really mostly good, but my marriage hasn’t been all that great.  We’re pretty much done, but she won’t let me out because of society and appearances – you know, normal suburban bullshit.”  “AHHH yes, my friend, I do know.  You know I don’t tell many people this, but after high school I turned down college to go to the military.  You probably knew that.”  “Yeah…”  “So, anyway, after some personality testing and physical assessments, they decided I’d make the perfect assassin.  So they trained me to kill.  I realized that that skill set is more hmmm profitable in the private sector and became a killer for hire.  “WHAT?? No shit? Really???”  Yeah, like I said, I don’t tell many people, but we were so close in school I know I can trust you.”  “Yeah totally dude!  You’re secret is safe with me!” 

After sitting for a few minutes, Sam looked over at Artie.  “Say Artie, you know with your uh… specialty, you could probably help me out of the jam I’m in with my wife.”  “Sam, you know I CAN do that.  Not a problem.  But out of respect for the trade, I’ll have to charge you something, I can’t just do this job for free.”  “Sure Artie, I understand.  Name your price.”  “Well, since we’re old friends, I’ll do a professional job for you for $1.00.”  “No shit?  A buck?  Hell yeah (pulls a dollar out of his pocket) here you are bud.”

So Artie starts the long process of pulling off a professional hit.  Artie researches the wife, discovers her habits, her weaknesses, when she’s vulnerable, when he can get close to her and do his job without causing suspicion for his buddy Sam.  He concludes that the best time to assassinate her is when she’s shopping at the local organic foods market.  Never a crowded place, most of the patrons are peace loving pacifists, sheep among wolves really.  If anyone does get in his way, they’ll be easy to deal with.  Artie decides that given the “venue” the best way to accomplish his mission is up close and personal.  He knows he can strangle her pretty quickly and cleanly.

So on the given day, (a Thursday) the wife heads off to the organic market for her weekly shopping trip.  Artie shadows her through the market, and soon realizes that the market is slightly more crowded than normal, but not an obstacle worth postponing the job.  Artie finds his chance while the wife is looking at organic milk and moves in for the kill.  He sweeps in behind her, executes a perfect “three second kill” and snaps her neck with relative ease.  Unfortunately for Artie a stock boy came around the corner witnessed the wife’s final moments and yelled “Oh my gawd…DUDE, what are you doing??!”  Artie really had no choice but to choke this kid out too.  No witnesses in his line of work.  Artie’s day took a turn from bad to shitsville when the store manager tried to stop him on his way out of the market.  Poor Artie had to take care of this chick too, and not expecting a hard time he was weaponless.  He didn’t have a choice but to strangle the store manager as well.  (at this point, Artie is seriously considering up charging his services for his friend Sam) Unbeknownst to Artie, the market manager called 911 right before she tried to stop him, and the cops were close.  After a brief but intense police chase, Artie took a wrong turn into a blind alley and was captured by the police.

The next morning, it was all over the papers - - - “Artie Chokes Three For a Dollar at The Organic Market!”

 Yeah, that was lame, but that’s how I roll dammit!  That joke cracked me up when I was a kid.