To the people that know me, it’s not secret I like to drink.  I especially like beer, good beer.  Not the mass-produced nasty shit that sells so well in the grocery stores.  I can’t remember the last time I had a Coors Light. (gag)  I’ll drink liquor – top shelf liquor, slowly and not jacked up with a mixer is best.  If I’m going to waste the calories on drinking, I’m going to make it worth the effort.

These same people may or may not know that as much as I like to drink, I do not like to get drunk.  A little buzzy, yeah, ok.  But drunk sucks.  Worse than drunk is Hungover. 

Good God, why did you create the hangover?  What a waste of time.  It should be obvious to you that I am in fact hung-over today.  Last night was a lot of fun…today sucks.  The nausea, the headache, the inability to do much of anything; either because my body doesn’t feel like it or the motivation just isn’t there.  “UGGHH” pretty much sums it up. 

It’s not like I’m a damn stranger just knocking on the hangover door for the first time.  I’ve been doing this well over half my life so far.  Not often,  but often enough.  I think I had my first real hangover with puking, headache, all day nausea and bargining with God that if I got through this I’d NEVER do it again,  (He knew I wasn’t telling the truth.) when I was 16.  Big sleepover at a friend’s house -Lots of stolen liquor and beer-Got very drunk.  The next day was Easter Sunday.  Hmmm… didn’t seem to take that into account on Good Friday night.

I survived the evening, dragged my ass home and went back to bed.  One of my friends poured liquid dish soap on my car door handles, my dad noticed it in the morning, and woke my ass up to go wash my car so it didn’t peel the paint or whatever.  GROAN… I got up, took the car to a car wash and washed it off feeling like shit the whole time.  I came home to find mom, dad and sister dressed and ready to go to lunch with my grandparents and great aunt.  Awww shit!  I got dressed in some “niceish” clothes and off to a fancy-schmancy little restaurant we went.  I was NOT feeling well.  We made it to the lobby of the place, I sat down on a little bench with two little old Easter church ladies.  One on each side.  That’s when the real nausea started, and I puked.

I didn’t just “puke”, I puked some in my mouth – ok, a lot in my mouth.  I had a mouthful.  But…I swallowed it.  I mean Hell’s Bells, I didn’t want to get in trouble for being hungover right.  Of course swallowing a mouthful of puke when you’re hungover isn’t a hangover cure.  So I puked again.  Also in my mouth – probably the same mouthful all over again.  Again, I choked it down.  I really REALLY didn’t want to get in trouble.  By this time my hands were up by my mouth, and I was leaning forward.  The third time when I puked, the quantity was much more than my mouth could contain.  The puke hit my hands, and shot sideways onto – yes, the little old Easter church ladies.  Bwhahahahaha!  The humor was a little lost on me at the time of the puking.

Of course at that point, mom, grandmothers and (oh shit) dad was there doing the “are you sick – are you ok – is something wrong?” thing.  Yeah, no shit Einstein, I’m sick, I’m not ok, and yeah something’s wrong… I’m fucking BUSTED!  About all I remember after that is dad packing me up and a long quiet ride home across town to take my sick ass home.  Oh WOW.

Yeah, so… I didn’t really mean to share that story, it just kind of shot out of my fingers.  The good news is over the years I have developed not one, but TWO sure fire hangover cures.  Send me $10.00 and I’ll share them with you.  They are both scientifically proven to work and absolutely guaranteed.  I’m just yanking your chain about the $10.00  (kind of – I should put up a website).  The first cure is this… Now mind you, this is a great secret and it does work EVERY TIME.  It’s fast, and cheap.  Ready?  Don’t over imbibe.  No shit dumbass.  If you drink too much, your chances of getting a nice hangover are much better.  The second sure fire cure?  Now, this one is not as fast, it’s not as cheap (you have to spend the money getting hungover in order to use this cure) but it works every-damn-time.  Ready?  TIME  I’ve never had a hangover so bad that time didn’t cure it.  Sure, there are things you can do to treat the symptoms, but the ONLY cure is time.  Sorry to break that to you.  Email me and I’ll give you my pay pal email address so you can send me my $10.00.  I’ve earned it with all my research.