rocketboom:

Pi Explained

Ok so, I saved and saved and collected Apple gift cards since the original iPad came into being. I was SOOOO gonna get one! Then motherfuck if the iPad2 didn’t come out! Needless to say that upped the purchase priority. I ordered the thing online the day they went on sale. Great move, it came pretty quickly and I’ve been playing with my Self ever since.

“Self” that’s what I named it. Now I can play with my Self all I want with no shame!! “Whatcha doing Doug?” “Playing with my Self!”
“Hey are you playing with your Self?” “Why yes! Yes I am” Hahahaha!! It never gets old!

Oh! Almost forgot… This post was typed on… Yup, my Self!

Sweet!… I have three!  Two could have been fatal knife/gunshot wounds. I could have picked up a NASTY infection in the third one.

It always cracks me up when I see/hear a commercial for the latest “anti-depressant” medication that warns of “SuicidalThoughts”. NOT that it’s a humorous topic or something to be taken lightly at all, but let’s be honest… Am I REALLY the only son of a bitch that has some kind of thought of suicide on a regular basis?  **OK, STOP HERE - THANK GOD FOR SOME SMIDGEN OF ANOMINITY HERE - MY THERAPISTS WOULD WIG THE FUCK OUT!  I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF!  I DON’T WANT TO, I HAVE A SERIOUS FUCKING WILL TO LIVE - BUT…** OK, that’s out of the way, so…

Ever since I can remember, I’ve had thoughts of what it would be like to off myself.  Seriously, since like kindergarten, I’ve wondered…. “hmmmm….. what’s it like to die?”  The only way I can figure out to really KNOW what it’s like to die is to do it consciously and on purpose.  I mean fuck a duck.. If you step off a curb and a bus hits you you’re kind of clueless right? But if you plan it, and actually have the balls to pull it off, then MOTHERFUCK you KNOW!!! right??  So it cracks me up when medication ads warn of suicidal thoughts.  I always think “Hell’s Bells, I have those anyway, so why worry about that little side effect?” 

It makes me wonder if the subjects participating in the tests that answer “yes” to the “Suicidal Thoughts” question on what I’m sure is a Scan Tron sheet of how the medication make you feel, are just really honest, really under fucking water, or just dicking with the researchers. 

Thinking of “killing myself” always brings up all those wonderful fun thoughts like “is there an afterlife?”  “Will I have to make amends to all the motherfuckers I had a hand in killing while I was alive?”  “What about the people I pissed off that already died?  Will I have to deal with them?”  “What if I “die” but really just wake up from a really fucking bizarre Kafka dream”?  “Will I make it to Heaven if I take my own life?” “Is the sky really blue?” 

Anyway, someday when I have a $150.00 hour to waste, I’m just goingt to tell one of my therapists that I have frequent suicidal thoughts just to see if it’s a common thing and find out how a straight jacket and involuntary commitment to a mental facility feels.  It might be fun, it might suck balls.  Jury’s still out at bit.

One last thought…. I’m sure Baby Mama is going to call or txt or email asking me if I’m ok as soon as she reads this.  I’m all good!  Just rambling.  Peace out!  (And by that I dont’ mean I’m going “OUT”, just saying “later”!)

Bwhahahahahahaha!!!!!

> 140 To Describe This Fire Truck…

What? Not what you were expecting when I said “fire truck” - fuckin wah - get over it.  And… this boys and girls, men and women, endoskeletons and exoskeletons is why we do not park a truck in a field with tall or dead grass.  Knowing what I know living in “grassland” my entire life, these poor schmucks cut the field a few days ago, and were bailing the hay.  One of ‘em parked the truck, jumped out to do something, turned around after the heat from the exhaust system caught the dead hay on fire and probably said a word that rhymes with fire truck!

Saw this on my way to work today.  It was not there on my way to work yesterday.  Tuesday sucked for somebody; further confirming my notion that “Tuesday is Monday’s ugly evil step-sister” and that shit happens!

What little science they mention in the blog seemed to make sense so I checked it out Sunday.  I rode my bike 19.5 miles yesterday in the scorching 100+ degree heat (avg speed 16.4 mph – not horrible for first ride of 2010)… anyway… I threw a couple of cheap Oklahoma “low point” beers in a cooler so I could do some field research.

 I drank about a liter of water during my ride, and cracked open one of the beers as soon as I got my bike on the rack and my shoes off.  I went over to the shade, to pack up my helmet, shoes, geeky bike jersey (gotta look the part right?) and drank the beer.  (Mmmmmmm….beer!)  Within 5 min or so I was feeling really good.  A little better than a post workout endorphin euphoria.  I was thinking “If I had some more water, I’d be good to go!”  Seemed to work pretty well.

 Alas tho.. I didn’t have any more water, so I had to drink the other beer on the way home.  (Thank goodness for koozies – shhhhh!!!)

 Anyway, FYI, after a good HOT workout, a beer and then some more water you’d be good to go!  And NOW… there’s clinical proof!

Nothing I didn’t already know.  Back in the day in 29-Palms Gunny made us drink drink drink water water water!!  “Drink until your pee is clear!”  It NEVER worked.  Too much sweat to pee clear.  BUT… ONE night in the beer garden… clear pee!  Woot!   

(Yes, I know alcohol is a diuretic stfu & leave me alone)

I spent a shitload of money today. First thing this morning I spent about $3800 on braces for my oldest. That’s money very well spent! I thank my parents (in my head anyway) often for the torture that was my braces that resulted in pretty teeth! About an hour and a half later, I plunked down $1500 to an attorney as a retainer for an uncontested divorce. That’s money I have very mixed emotions about spending. It’s the culmination of a lot of shit that’s been going on for a long time. NOT money I thought I’d ever spend when I exchanged vows almost 20 years ago. BUT it’s money that is saving the life of my Babymama and is ending a marriage without ending a family. If you don’t understand how ending a marriage can save a family, I pity you. If you don’t understand it and feel compelled to get all up in my shit about it, then we have a problem, and I have contempt for you. Do NOT fucking pass judgement on ME based on YOUR preconceived limitations.

Sigh

Anyway, I spent a shitload of money today.

Dude, logged in here for the first time in awhile.  Holy shit!  A while?  It’s been fuckin months!  I gotta get back in the tumblr game.  To my credit, I’ve been busy!  I have a life outside the computer.  Many lives, many different hats. 

Lately I’ve been busy successfully working on my 1 goal for 2010.  “Get divorced and not fuck up everyone’s lives in the process.” 

So far it’s going well (KNOKCING ON WOOD).  I seem ok, Baby Mama seems ok, and most importantly, my boys seem ok.  There are other people in the mix, some are “oker” than others, but all in all it’s good.  Well as good as it can be….. It’s complicated dammit!!

Two high school mates meet up on the street unexpectedly after not seeing each other for 15 years.  Sam recognizes Arthur as they are coming out of a popular upscale restaurant during the lunch hour.  “Art – Artie!, Hey, it’s me Sam.  How have you been, where did you go after high school, what do you do?”  Artie looks around nervously, and ushers his old friend Sam into a waiting limo.  “Sam, good to see you!  I’m actually here on business, meeting a client, making deals.  You look good, how have you been?”  “Ah, I’m good.  Got a great job after college, married that girl I dated all through high school, you know – life’s good.”  “Hmmm… Sam, that didn’t sound so convincing.  What’s really going on?”  “Well Artie, things are really mostly good, but my marriage hasn’t been all that great.  We’re pretty much done, but she won’t let me out because of society and appearances – you know, normal suburban bullshit.”  “AHHH yes, my friend, I do know.  You know I don’t tell many people this, but after high school I turned down college to go to the military.  You probably knew that.”  “Yeah…”  “So, anyway, after some personality testing and physical assessments, they decided I’d make the perfect assassin.  So they trained me to kill.  I realized that that skill set is more hmmm profitable in the private sector and became a killer for hire.  “WHAT?? No shit? Really???”  Yeah, like I said, I don’t tell many people, but we were so close in school I know I can trust you.”  “Yeah totally dude!  You’re secret is safe with me!” 

After sitting for a few minutes, Sam looked over at Artie.  “Say Artie, you know with your uh… specialty, you could probably help me out of the jam I’m in with my wife.”  “Sam, you know I CAN do that.  Not a problem.  But out of respect for the trade, I’ll have to charge you something, I can’t just do this job for free.”  “Sure Artie, I understand.  Name your price.”  “Well, since we’re old friends, I’ll do a professional job for you for $1.00.”  “No shit?  A buck?  Hell yeah (pulls a dollar out of his pocket) here you are bud.”

So Artie starts the long process of pulling off a professional hit.  Artie researches the wife, discovers her habits, her weaknesses, when she’s vulnerable, when he can get close to her and do his job without causing suspicion for his buddy Sam.  He concludes that the best time to assassinate her is when she’s shopping at the local organic foods market.  Never a crowded place, most of the patrons are peace loving pacifists, sheep among wolves really.  If anyone does get in his way, they’ll be easy to deal with.  Artie decides that given the “venue” the best way to accomplish his mission is up close and personal.  He knows he can strangle her pretty quickly and cleanly.

So on the given day, (a Thursday) the wife heads off to the organic market for her weekly shopping trip.  Artie shadows her through the market, and soon realizes that the market is slightly more crowded than normal, but not an obstacle worth postponing the job.  Artie finds his chance while the wife is looking at organic milk and moves in for the kill.  He sweeps in behind her, executes a perfect “three second kill” and snaps her neck with relative ease.  Unfortunately for Artie a stock boy came around the corner witnessed the wife’s final moments and yelled “Oh my gawd…DUDE, what are you doing??!”  Artie really had no choice but to choke this kid out too.  No witnesses in his line of work.  Artie’s day took a turn from bad to shitsville when the store manager tried to stop him on his way out of the market.  Poor Artie had to take care of this chick too, and not expecting a hard time he was weaponless.  He didn’t have a choice but to strangle the store manager as well.  (at this point, Artie is seriously considering up charging his services for his friend Sam) Unbeknownst to Artie, the market manager called 911 right before she tried to stop him, and the cops were close.  After a brief but intense police chase, Artie took a wrong turn into a blind alley and was captured by the police.

The next morning, it was all over the papers - - - “Artie Chokes Three For a Dollar at The Organic Market!”

 Yeah, that was lame, but that’s how I roll dammit!  That joke cracked me up when I was a kid.